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God Tussi Great Ho. And forgiving also. Otherwise You would have struck down the makers of this film with ten plagues of Egypt. There is no justification whatsoever, no excuse great enough, for the existence of this movie. A blunt remake of Hollywood film „Bruce Almighty“ is even more appalling than the stupid, but still enjoyable in bits, original with whacky Jim Carrey in the role of an ambitious, but unlucky TV journalist. Indian version gives us Salman Khan in his stead.

Arjun (Salman) is not only poor and unsuccessful, but he also doesn´t get along with his father, his sister is considered ugly, and his gorgeous and popular female colleague Alia has no incling whatsoever he is hopelessly in love with her. This young and healthy man, who has a house, family, 5 meals a day, a job and a potential girlfriend, however considers himself extremely unlucky and stubbornly believes God is against him in every way and plays His dirty games with poor Arjun for His own amusement only. Arjun curses God, calls Him names at every opportunity, and even more so after a new guy appears in the office and soon takes over not only his job but also steals his ideas and potential girlfriend. Now, wouldn´t that make you angry? Damn.

God finally decides to give Arjun a proper lesson, and hence He has a personal talk with him and gives him all His powers, to make the world better according to his own judgment. Need I say that within days Arjun majorly screws up? And realizes God is right? Who is surprised raise your hand.

As I said before, the original film too was anything but great. But it was reasonably well acted, and most importantly.... it was here first (I dare not call it an original because my experience taught me very few things in the world are actual originals....). There is little to no difference between storyline, except of course Bruce made Jennifer Aniston´s boobs grow, and Arjun, being a nice Indian ladka (sporting shirts that would make Rishi Kapoor´s sweater collection proud) he makes his potential girlfriend a future bride.

God Tussi Great Ho is extremely poorly executed. Salman is just pathetic, going through his dark phase between excellence that was Tere Naam and reinventing himself with Dabangg. His brother Sohail is, ironically, better in this (not a great deal considering how horrible everyone was in this film), then again he really isn´t someone you´d want to watch on screen. Priyanka Chopra is breathtakingly gorgeous, yet annoying and unconvincing. Then there is God playing Amitabh Bachchan.... I mean Amitabh Bachchan playing God, but apart from his amazing voice there is little that would make you go wow.

The most cringe-worthy thing were definitely cheap CGI effects, that looked like a video game from the early 90s. Nothing looked real (or even pretty), and truly all was so artificial I started to doubt the film actually released in 2008. The only bearable bit of the whole film was Laal Chunariya song, which at least took the advantage of Priyanka´s beauty.

A comedy that is not funny is one of the most painful cinematic experiences one can endure. Looking back I can´t believe I actually sat through this movie, which easily ranks among the worst I´ve seen in my life. Spare yourself the pain. It is not worth it, not even if you are a fan of the actors. Unless you want to see God pulling off some bad Bollywood moves.

The only good thing about all the sequels and remakes that are slowly becoming more common than new, original films in Bollywood today, is, that I have an excuse to actually find some time in my schedule and watch the prequels/originals and thus also increase level of Bollywood in my life that I need to survive. Zanjeer has been on my radar for quite a while anyway.

The iconic story is actually very simple. Once upon a time a man decides to leave the underworld for teh sake of his wife, son and good conscience. However the former boss doesn´t trust him not to tell anything to the police, and so, during a loud Diwali night, he himself comes into his former employee´s house and shoot him and his wife dead, unaware the child he just made an orphan is hiding in a closet. The child sees everything, and especially is fixated on an elegant bracelet of the killer – with a pendant in the shape of a horse. The kid is later adopted by a policeman, and grows up to be tall and dashing Amitabh Bachchan (sporting a name Vijay in the film), forever haunted by a nightmare of an evil horse rider.

Vijay becomes a policeman – honest yet impulsive and, well, angry 90% of the time. He becomes best friends with Sher Khan (Pran in an AWESOME red-haired get up and sporting ONE outfit the whole film), former criminal reformed by being beaten up by him, and he also takes in a street performer Mala (Jaya), who has made the mistake of identifying a member of crime gang. You guessed it – they fall in love, but without the usual frolicking on the meadows or even saying it. Zanjeer is not a romantic film after all. Picking up loose ends of various strings Vijay ultimately uncovers the man behind all the evil doings we witness in the film as well as getting revenge for his parents.

After an era dominated mostly by Rajesh Khanna and his romancing, Zanjeer started the fashion of action flicks as well as imprinted the „angry young man“ image to Amitabh Bachchan, who then made it his trademark. And indeed Amitabh Bachchan is the life and soul of Zanjeer, with his intense stares, dominating body language and the impeccable dialogue delivery. Both his anger and helplessness are best represented ina scene when he is mocking Mala´s plans of settling their own home, to which he had previously agreed, giving a promise to pretty much stay blind to the injustice in the world around for the sake of her happiness.

Young Jaya Bachchan doesn´t irk me at all, much unlike the Jaya Bachchan from the 80s forward, yet I still cannot count myself among the admirers of her acting. She seems bland, uninteresting. Even Bindu, in her small and plain role of the villain´s girlfriend, is more fun to watch. Pran, on the other hand, is excellent, a quality you associate with him. The film made me wonder if Om Prakash has ever done a role where he isn´t/doesn´t look like a drunkard.

Zanjeer is a movie that one has to talk about with a certain amount of respect simply because it was a trend-changer and trend-setter. That aside it had been surpassed in all the departments since its release. It´s like with the Beatles. There has been loads of better music than theirs. But they were pretty much the first, having new ideas and rebuilding the way music industry functioned, and for that they can only be respected and loved. Zanjeer as a film left me rather bored, I found it difficult to concentrate on the storyline. I kept having a feeling this is one of those films that had to be watched at the time of their release, but will no longer charm the audience today. Is Zanjeer iconic? Yes. Is it timeless? No.

It is not easy to write reviews of some films, and interestingly enough I have more troubles writing about good movies than bad. Perhaps our ability to pinpoint what we don´t like is better developed than our ability to praise? In any case to review Sholay wouldn´t be easy even if I found it really bad, because of its indisputable iconic status. The film has been labeled as the „best ever from Bollywood“ more than just a few times. Well, let me admit right away I respectfully disagree. Sholay is nowhere near the perfection I find Guru Dutt´s movies to be, it doesn´t topple neither K. Asif´s Mughal-E-Azam, nor Mother India, or some films that came after it. At the same time Sholay is still a damn good film and one that broke records and set trend for the next 15 or so years. In fact most of the 80s were spent by trying to recreate the magic of action scenes and selfless heroes more than anything – and most of them fell flat. So what it is that Sholay has which clicked so perfectly with the audience (because this is one of those blockbusters thriving on word-of-mouth and nothing else)?

The story is heavily inspired by Hollywood and its fondness of stories from the lawless „Wild West“, the similarity of the plot with „The Magnificent 7“ uncanny. A retired police officer Thakur Baldev Singh (Sanjeev Kumar in one of the „aged“ roles he essayed, though ironically her didn´t even live to turn 50 himself) hires two men to capture a dangerous dacoit Gabbar Singh (Amjad Khan), who is terrorizing a small village of Ramgarth. Why doesn´t he turn to the police? Because he has a personal issue with Gabbar, who murdered his whole family – and left him without arms! To take his revenge, Thakur chooses to offer the quest to two thieves Veeru (Dharmendra) and Jai (Amitabh Bachchan). They not only accept, but after a while make the fight against Gabbar and his gang for their own as well. And in the moment in between the fights, Veeru manages to romance a chatterbox Basanti and Jai takes liking to a young widow Radha from Thakur´s house....

First of all – the cast is extremely attractive. Amitabh Bachchan and Dharmendra both were a real rage back in the day. With distinct looks and approach to acting, they were quite different from each other, yet one complimented the other perfectly. They definitely belong among my favourite „bromances“. While Dharmendra is a mischievous devil making girls swoon with his eternal boyish charm, and - in spite of Sholay being a serious film – his use of humour, Amitabh represents the silent strength in the background. Jai is the solid ground from which Veeru can operate, if you will. At no point you feel a need to ask if two against God knows how many are not too little, because the duo is so dynamic you just have faith in their abilities. Sanjeev Kumar and Amjad Khan too are excellent in their roles. 

However while both Hema Malini and Jaya Bachchan were the most popular girls at the time, I never managed to warm up to either of them. Jaya has always been a „grey mouse“ with nothing that would really capture my interest, Hema on the other hand I tend to find rather annoying. Her dialogue delivery especially has always been week. Thinking about that – Radha was a quiet „gray mouse“ and Basanti was a smack-worthy annoyance, so the casting was probably appropriate. I must say I felt sorry for Radha in the end, as even the hopes for a new life were snatched away from her. 

The music of the film has been celebrated as well. „Yeh Dosti“ song is easily the best one as far as melody goes, followed by Hema´s famous „Jab Tak Hai Jaan“ dance of pain. The revered Holi song left me cold though, I enjoyed more „Mehbooba“ song where Helen put her beautiful legs to action.

I think the only major flaw I found in Sholay was the whole „Veeru and Jai in jail“ business at the beginning. The characters were introduces through it, but on the whole it was not necessary at all. The Hitler-like grotesque figure of the jailor, marching ironically (or was somebody being ignorant?) to the tune of English „For he´s a jolly good fellow“, seemed like from another time and space altogether, and wasn´t really funny either. Also to be brutally honest I burst out laughing when the armless Thakur gained magic powers and was flying in the air, fighting Gabbar with his feet. The scenes that stood out for me were for example when Thakur returns home to find his children murdered. As the crude wind blows away the white sheets, uncovering the bodies, you almost want to cry out. Another classic one, though of completely different nature, would be Veeru´s marriage proposal/suicide threat, so often referred to in many films afterwards. And of course – when the unbreakable dosti finally breaks in the end....

I first learned about the existence of Satte Pe Satta last year when a new remake of it was announced and at the time I was anything but happy about it, but quite a lot has changed since then and now I´m awaiting the film with optimism. The 1982 film starring a popular couple Amitabh-Hema was originally also a remake – of American film „Seven Brides for Seven Brothers“, and though a pleasant film, there was a lot left to be desired, which the new version may eventually draw its strength from. But before the first take of the new movie (that is going to have Sanjay Dutt and Karishma Kapoor in the lead roles) is even taken, let´s have a closer look at the classic.

Somewhere in India there is a solitary farm run by seven brothers, who definitely do not lack love for each other, but do lack basic human manners. They are dirty, unshaven, lazy, uneducated, simple..... and do not care. If not for the eldest brother Ravi (Amitabh Bachchan), who at least lacks the laziness if not other of the trades mentioned, and acts a bit like a slave driver to his siblings, else they would probably just rot on their unkempt cots. One day Ravi by a rather embarrassing mistake meets Indu (Hema Malini), a neat and clean hospital nurse, intelligent, strong willed, basically everything other people in his life (read his family) are not. He falls for her, but doesn´t leave a favourable impression on her and it takes quite a lot of courting and convincing before Indu too finds some love for him in her heart. That however without any knowledge about his family situation. 

Indu is quite shocked by her six brothers-in-law, and no wonder considering one of them is Shakti Kapoor and they move about in next to nothing but some brightly colourful underwear. In the end however it´s them who get the bigger shock, when she decides to „civilize“ them.... Hema Malini is someone I am usually a bit wary about on screen, thought it´s true I´ve not seen that many of her films as yet, and I liked her as feisty Indu, except her dialogue delivery is not the best and her voice modulation neither. She is a good match for Amitabh (who is of course great) and Indu is really that one phenomenon which keeps the basic plot tight and entertaining. Her quest to make her brothers-in-law normal people who dress and wash and don´t eat with their hands was hilarious. However as the movie goes on the focus shifts to the six brothers and their little romances as well as some rather unnecessary masala plot involving an Amitabh´s duplicate and money plotting, Indu makes a quiet exit and so does most of the humour.

I understand that Satte Pe Satta is one of most favourite Amitabh Bachchan movies, and no wonder, it definitely provides entertainment (by which I do not mean to say the film is brainless - „entertaining“ has become rather synonymous with „stupid“ in the past few years I feel) and delivers on most levels, yet it is definitely not a perfect film. The second half is weaker and at times on the verge of boring, resembling way too much the 80s action films that were pretty much all the same as if they have been printed by a copy machine. And somehow I don´t think I would believe that a guy, who threatened me with a knife, was only trying to help me. In the end all the brothers turn from animals to humans and all are rewarded with a nice girl to marry. The idylic family life on the farm can continue.

I tried to watch the film before, but turned it off after first 15 or so minutes, but then I told myself I may not want to be as harsh, after all Madhavan is my teddy-bear. Sadly his presence doesn´t save the film, and the character he plays is actually one of the most annoying loosers I´ve seen on screen. Bipasha is way too unbelievable with her innocent act and the two have no chemistry. The film has one of the dumbest twists (and resolves) ever. So he destroys somebody else´s marriage so his ex-wife can get a rich new husband and he gets his car back? Really? And I am supposed to root for this person? And frankly I didn´t see s single reason what would Sid need Sonali as his partner anyway, thus even the basic plot doesn´t really make sense. To top it all Omi Vadiya was completely annoying as a sex God from the high heavens. In one word: lame. Why was Helen in this?

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I guess some films are just overrated. After having a shock from rather awkward subtitles narrated for whatever reason by Jaya Bachchan, I was kept waiting .... and waiting for the awesomeness praised by the critics to appear, but it never did. The story deals with a very sad issue of progeria, a rare disease causing the body to age before its time – and that very rapidly. The main character, a twelve years old boy Auro, suffering from the condition, actually has a body of an 80 year old. And what more – he doesn´t have a father. Or rather, doesn´t know him. After all this father did not want a child and only because Auro´s mother refused to go for an abortion and left her partner was the child born. The fate however brings the family together again. Everybody in the film does an OK job. From Abhishek to Amitabh, who did not really understand what age he is trying to act. Instead of a 12 years old his handling of the character made Auro seem like barely 7 years old boy. He did well, don´t get me wrong, but nothing overly impressive. I had the same problem with Sridevi in Sadma, where she is supposed to act like 7 years old, but instead gives an impression of a four-year-old, and that does a hell lot of a difference. Vidya is the best of the lot, but is criminally deprived of deserved screen time by the male protagonists. If anything the movie should have been named Maa, because what I took from the film was really the assurance that love of a mother is above everything.

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Not one, but two favourites included – Shahrukh and Juhi – and yet... oh Mr. Sharma this is a perfect example of wasting great acting talent. When you have actors like this you don´t give all the screentime to a kid. Bhootnath is a fine film for children, but far from a great piece of cinema the director presents it till this day.

Shahrukh, the freakingly handsome in his white uniform sea cruise captain moves his wife and son into a new house, not caring everybody says it is haunted. He promptly leaves and his wife invests all her time to attempts to make the new living space more comfortable, while their son soon discovers the house is indeed haunted by a grumpy and dirty old ghost. In no time, they become friends. There are way too many question concerning the ghost (sometimes he can´t touch things, sometimes he can, he apparently eats and can shave and wash..... way too many supernatural powers for one sad soul if you ask me, and pretty much defying everything one would imagine when it comes to ghosts), but I guess children wouldn´t really mind. However the kids should not be too demanding. There is nothing scary or hilarious about the story and the situations shown. See, I don´t even know what else to write. Watch and forget movie.

There used to be a time when while watching a comedy movie you could do so with the whole family from half-deaf grandma to the smallest kids without worrying that a vulgar joke will be said, without fear that in the next moment twenty naked oily girls are going to weave themselves into the limbs of the hero. That was a time of films like Chupke Chupke, which is among the very best of genuine, entertaining and harmless comedies.

Starring the ever so charming Dharmendra as the main lead, the film starts with him (under the name of Parimal Tripathi, a famous botany professor) trying to help out a keeper of a mountain bungalow by pretending to be him. To his horror as soon as he disguises himself and the real keeper wanders off to visit his son in a hospital, a bus loaded with female botany students arrives and he has to fulfill all the keeper´s duties. Among the girls we can find Sulekha (young and fresh Sharmila Tagore), who ultimately finds out the truth about Parimal and the two fall in love.

Nobody objects and so they soon get married, but Parimal´s marital bliss is constantly bugged by a relative he has not even met yet – Sulekha´s brother-in-law (Om Prakash). Apparently whatever he does and says is treated as the Holy word in the whole family, because he is well educated and witty. Finally Parimal is way too annoyed with all the praise on the adress of „jijaji“ and makes a bet with Sulekha: He is going to show her her brother-in-law is just as human and can make mistakes like every other mortal by tricking him. Soon after jijaji employs a new driver for his family, not aware he is no other than Parimal, the new relative he has not yet met.

Truth is that until some point the whole thing is interesting to watch and after that becomes somehow pointless. The trickery evolves into an intricate scheme organized by Parimal, but using help of not only Sulekha, but also some of his friends, but somehow you never get to know why. After some time it leaves the intention to mislead the poor jijaji and becomes more of a fun game enjoyed by the ones who actually do know what is going on, but causing much genuine distress to those not involved in the plot. And when it comes to that, I always feel rather uncomfortable. Anyway the films manages to overcome its own pointlessness with pure entertainment guaranteed mostly by the one and only Dharam, whose comic timing is perfect and his natural charm just keeps you with a smile plastered on your face throughout.

The last 20 minutes are weaker than the rest of the movie, mostly because the focus shifts to Parimal´s friend Sukumar Sinha (Amitabh Bachchan) and his love troubles caused by him previously agreeing to pose as Parimal for the sake of the trickery to go on for a while longer. However how to explain to young Vasudha (Jaya Bhaduri) now that he is actually not the married botany professor, but a very much available bachelor? Not that he would act badly, but after Dharmendra compeltely stealing the show and shining in the film, Amitabh doesn´t manage to reach the level expected by the viewer. Jaya Bhaduri stays for what I usually take her – a small gray mouse without much of a screen-presence, and is somehow lost among the powerful Dharam, less powerful but still good Amitabh, and also ravishing Sharmila who is the one to keep the eyes of all glued on her. Sadly, both ladies are underused.

In spite of the silliness of the plot Chupke Chupke is a very enjoyable film and one of the most effortlessly funny comedies that have ever came out of Bollywood. Safe to watch with family, safe to watch with friends, and brightening up your day even if you are alone.